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[Sep. 15th, 2006|02:43 am] |
Well, I've been lazy lately.
And I've fallen off the surrendered wife wagon a bit. I tell you, it requires diligence and stick-to-itiveness.
Things are going well, although I have looked back on the last month and a half or so and I've been terribly critical and nasty. No real ill effects that I can see as of right now, but I'm sure that they're there.
I've maintained the passing over of the bills with little incident, but for other things, liek housework and career issues, I've been all but a surrendered wife. ANd the results? Maybe a bit less closeness, although I can honestly say I haven't been AS bad and critical as I was inthe past and much more careful than previuously.
Rereading the book as of today. BAck in the game. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|05:23 am] |
(Click here to post your own answers for this meme.)
| ✓ I miss somebody right now. |
✓ I don't watch much TV these days. |
✓ I own lots of books. (I don't belive in throwing books out.) |
| × I wear glasses or contact lenses. |
× I love to play video games. |
✓ I've tried marijuana. |
| ✓ I've watched porn movies. (Not seriously, I mean.... not to get off or anything) |
× I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship. |
✓ I believe honesty is usually the best policy. (Well, more often than not.... usually is a bit extreme) |
| ✓ I curse sometimes. (ALL the time) |
✓ I have changed a lot mentally over the last year. |
× I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me. |
( it goes on... ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 11th, 2006|05:25 am] |
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He's been remarkably sweet. I found my wedding dress today and when I came home and started crying because I was so stupidly emotional over a piece of satin essentially, he offered to take me out to my favorite resturant to celebrate. It was such a sweet gesture. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2006|04:50 am] |
Yeah, this is what I was wearing when he came home from work late tonight. I'm trying to be more feminine. But after seven years of his coming home to my wearing one of his tshirts and either boxers or sweatpants, maybe this was too much too soon. In my head when he came home I was going to ravish him or let him ravish me (whatever "ravishing" is) and instead, I immediately gave him some excuse about how hot it is outside and that his tshirts aren't thin enough and he looked almost uncomfortable with my nipples poking out as I was trying to serve him a replica of his m other's lasagna. It was odd. In his defense, my immediate response to his walking in the door didn't lead him to believe that I was wearing this getup for him or for the purposes of enticing him into having sex with me. I guess I thought he would pick up on my oh so subtle "this is for you, dummy" vibe, but no. Some things with this "surrendering" thing have come easy, some have just led me to personal embarrasment.
EDIT:
Our sex life has been wonderful. There was a time when sex was a once a month occurence (if that), but for the last few monrhs, it's been happening at the very least once a week, sometimes as much as four times a week. And we had sex twice yesterday. But as always, I was in house-cleaning mode and was wearing sweatpants. I guess I wanted him to see me in another light- as a femme fetale or something, and it didn't work. This time. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2006|03:56 am] |
So, the man I thought couldn't handle a bill to save his life has mnaged to pay down all of our utility bills, pay off our wedding DJ, pay off a credit card, and find us a new and better apartment in just a matter of like three weeks. No questions asked, no whining, no fretting. He just DID.
And it's very nice. |
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| So he know's something's up |
[Jun. 13th, 2006|06:26 am] |
This morning he asked me if he should deposit all of our money, or if not, how much he should leave out for spending money and I uttered the typical, "Whatever you think!" and he said, "Well, you MUST have an opinion!" and I said, "Not really, but I need a manicure and pedicure, so leave me at least $60" and he rolled his eyes at me.
I let it go.
Now the book says, NEVER tell your man about what you're doing. Don't tell him you're "surrendering", under any circumstance.
So I didn't.
We went out to eat tonight, and at the end of the meal, the bill was $100. Let me say, I am an avid overtipper, and the only person I know worse than me is him. Normally, he'd look at the bill and ask me how much to tip, and on $100, I'd say $22, and he'd write $23 on the credit card slip. I never argued the point, even though I always thought he tipped excessively. Tonight he asked, how much, and I said WHATVER YOU THINK! (which is starting to sound ridiculous to me too) and he said, "That's it... what's up with you?" I said nothing, why? He says... "When it comes to money lately you have NO opinion.... about ANYTHING! It's your money too!" So I said, well, like I told you.... I think you're better at it... this is your arena. He seemed annoyed and said, fine then, I'll leave her $18. Or maybe I'll leave her $30!" A 18% tip? That's unheard of of for us... a chef and a banquet manager. We are overtippers. It's what we DO. We're in the business and even the worst server gets 20% from us because we KNOW what it's like.
So, I said, Ok... $18... that's fine Or $30. Whatver you say.
And you know what? He left her $18.
Not because the service was bad, but because I think he was proving a point to me or baiting me. Strange thing is.... the part of me that would normally be indignant or bossy didn't surface. He said $18, so $18 it was. And that was that. It looked like he was waiting for me to say something, but I didn't. And that was that.
I trusted him and he made a shitty choice, but I left it at that. I mean, it was a $2 difference for the server, and while I would have normally felt bad, I just deferred to him. I doubt the next time we dine there that he'll leave what we'd both consider to be a mediocre tip, but for tonight, it had to be done. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2006|04:10 am] |
Ok, so the passing of the torch (the bills) hit its first snag.
The fiance hates paying bills online, but I find it to be a lot easier. So, I have been paying our phone, electric, two credit cards, and car/renter's insurance bills over the internet for a while. I mentioned to him the other day that I should write down all of the websites for him so that he could continue that if he wanted. He said he'd just as soon pay by check through the mail,, and rather than argue I said ok.
I did mention that I had misplaced the recent cell phone bill and that it was due soon about a week ago. (Our cell phone company doesn't screw around and there's only a two or three day grace period before they cut off service.) I didn't want to press the issue because if I did, it would defeat the purpose of having him take care of the bills.
Last night, I tried calling him on my way home, and lo and behold the service was interrupted. That angered me and stressed me out, and furthermore the idea of anyone calling one of us to hear the "Service has been temporarily interrupted" message mortified me. But I got home and just said- I tried calling you on hte way home but the cell phone is off. Can you do that tonight?
He semi-ignored me and said "Sure, call it in". I could have started complaining that he wasn't handling the bills and that he promised he would blah blah blah, but I didn't say a thing. But I was freaking out. I n oticed he was falling asleep on the couch and I wanted to scream at him to get up and do it already, and tell him that letting the phone get disconnected was so irresponsible and blah blah blah. But again, I kept quiet.
This morning we were up getting ready for work, and I simply said, "Please take care of the phone. I hate driving in the rain without having a cell phone handly." He was running late and he was looking for his keys and I'm sure was stressed, and he snapped at me, "I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO CALL IT IN LAST NIGHT!"
I bit my tongue harder, and said, "No, I didn't. Plus, you have the checking account."
He was pissed, and grabbed his keys and said YOU SAID YOU'D TAKE CARE OF IT! But I said nothing. An hour later, on my way to work he called me on my cell and said, "I just wanted you to see it was back on", and I just said, "Great, thanks!"
It might seem silly. But the point is.... I want him to see that I trust him to do what needs to be done. I want to break that habit of saying "DO THIS, DO THAT!" being a total taskmaster, and if he doesn't do things on my schedule, of yelling "FINE, I'LL DO IT MYSELF!"
A few hours later at work, I got violently ill and I had to go home. I felt so lousy, I didn't feel like hunting him down or informing him. Since we work together, I knew someone would tell him.
He called a little later when I was asleep on the couch. Now one thing that's always bugged me is that I've never thought he was someone that reacted what I would consider appropriately to my being in pain or ill or whatever. If I'm sick and start complaining, he usually is helpful, but not overly nurturing. He hates when I complain and I have to admit, for attention I have a tendency to overdramaticize a bit which nnoys him even more, and makes him want to help even less, and in turn, I take the drama up a few more notches until it's compeltely counterproductive.
But when he called he said he found out I was sick and left early and asked why I didn't tell him or find him at work, and I said I really just wanted to get out of the building so I left. He got home with a bottle of pepto and some crackers and rather than be the martyr... "No, I'm fine, dont' worry about me, no I don't need anything, I'll get it myself...", I just let him take care of me. And he did. Quite nicely. And now I'm feeling a bit better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2006|05:51 pm] |
Yeah, it's not as easy as it seems, and it does require some real discipline on my part.
I basically threw out all of the rules with this latest fight about my fiance's female friend. I criticized him, belittled him for having a female friend so much younger than him, called him immature, cried, threw tantrums, slept on the couch. It was really such an overreaction on my part.
He did put him foot down on Saturday and said that he was getting together with this friend before she went back to California on Sunday and that he was sick and tired of my not trusting him. There was little I could say or do about it. So all day Sunday I was sick to my stomach, imagining the worst. What was I imagining? That he had feelings for this girl. That they'd get together and next thing, he'd be running off to California with her because she's so much more easygoing and sweet than I am. And while I knew that no matter what, that wasn't the case, I couldn't shake it.
Early Sunday evening, he asked me if I wanted to go out for drinks after work that night, and I said, "I thought you had plans tonight." He told me he was tired and didn't feel well, so he didn't want to go out. Did that make me feel better you ask? No. It made me feel that much worse, cause I knew that at least on some level that he wasn't going to meet up with his friend because he wanted to avoid any further conflict with me. In some ways, I appreciate that I guess, but in other ways it just proves how manipulating and controlling I can really be.
Maybe I shouldn't have but when we were together later that night, I asked him if he had not gone out because of me, and he assured me that it wasn't the case. (But if he was so tired and didn't feel well, why was he taking me out for drinks?) I told him that I really do trust him, but sometimes when I don't feel included in his life, it hurts me and that my instinct was to react with anger and criticism rather than just talking about it. He apologied, I apologized.... but all in all, I am pretty certian there was at least some damage done.
On a more positive note, I have completely let go of our finances. He went out and bought a letter holder the other day (not at my request) so he can properly organize the bills. So, without further mention or prodding from me, he's taken over this new responsibility with pride.
It's not easy. Just when I think I've gotten it down, he does something that makes me want to just CONTROL. Playing a new board game last night, he was reading the rules, and when he reiterated something to me incorrectly, I instantly got bossy.... No, the game pieces go HERE, and that's not right, THAT'S not how you score the game. But then I stopped myself. What would the harm be if we plated a stupid BOARD game incorrectly for a minute until HE figured it out? None. So, I stopped harassing him, and he figured it out, and I didn't need to make him feel like a jerk in the process.
The other part that's difficult is asking for help. MY back was hurting yesterday and we had tons of laundry and the whole place to clean up. Usually, I'd do it myself, and if he offered to help, I'd sit there and tell him not to use too much detergent, don't use that mop for the floor, no, that cleaner leaves streaks all oover the stove, god I hate the way you fold laundry, and what posessed you to but this kind of fabric softener? But I didn't. I did say at one point that after getting the last load of laundry, I was going to take a shower and run to the store. He took the laundry basket out of my hand, and told me to get in the shower, cause he'd finish up. I said thank you, I really aprreciate tht. But rahter than just GOING to the showeer, I kept folding, until he said "GO, NOW!" So I did. He offered to help, and while I accepted it, I still rebuffed it but not just saying OK. A minor thing, but something I need to work on. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|06:50 am] |
So much for it all going well.
My fiance has this female friend. She used to be his employee and they've always gotten along. The problem is-- I've never met her. After he left his old job they kept in touch and she moved across the country. I know there's nothing sordid going on, but there are a few things that annoy me about this.
a- She's significantly younger than him
b- Being that much younger, and I assume a little immature, she's called him at all hours of the night.
c- I found out about this "friendship" after she called him quite late one n ight, and I answered the phone. To that point, he'd mentioned this "employee" in apssing but never about how significant this friendship was.
d- I know they speak periodically, but he rarely tells me about it in passing, like "So and so called me today... she got a new dog or broke up with her boyfriend" blh bah blh.
I personally don't see what a 34 year old man and a 21 year old girl can have in common outside of work. That one night she called, I threw a complete fit and even went so far as to pack my belongings and threatened to move out of the house. His failure to mention her, if all was so innocent and platonic, let me to belive there was a reason that he never mentioned her to me.
Months have passed and there hasn't been much mention of this girl.
HE did mention last night that she's home for a few weeks, and I didn't react. I just said "REally, how's she doing?" and left it at that.
Tonight, however, the shit hit the fan. The night was going well, and he mentioned that he might meet her for lunch on Monday. There are a few things that bother me about this as well.
a- We have an appointment during lunch on Monday to meet our wedding DJ.
b- Mondays are our ONE day off together, and we haven't spent one alone in three weeks. There was a stag, a picnic on Memorial Day, and a day of separate errands. This will make it Week 4.
He mentioned something about how he hasn't talked to her in months, and I had to disagree. This is not true. He mentioned speaking to her just a few weeks ago. I was calm but I said, "That can't be right.... you just mentioned talking to her a few weeks ago.
Again, I tried to keep my cool, and I just asked casually if I'm ever going to meet this girl. He looked confused for a minute and then remained quiet. I waited, and then asked him to continue with what he was saying, and he snapped and said "Nevermind"
I didn't say anything, and then he went off. "Why do we have to do everything TOGETHER?" I said, we don't.... just why is it that you have this CLOSE friend who I've never met? He got really quiet and then flung the plate of food on his lap onto the flor (a reaction far more typical of me than him... he never reacts so dramatically.)
And then he yelled at me and these were his exact words "Because of YOU, I have no friends! None!" That hurt really bad. Again, I tried to retain my composure, but I couldn't too well. Close to tears, I said that what he said hurt, I stood up and went to walk to the door while he was still going on about how he was tired of having to tell his friends he couldn't go anywhere without his fiance as a chaperone (which is not true, he never takes me anywhere with his apparently non-existant friends). I kept my voice low and said "I'm not going to let you engage me in this argument", and he snickered and said "pfft! engaged!"
I walked out, and he stood up (food still all over the floor) and slammed the door.
I waited a few minutes and went back in and said "I'm sorry you think I don't let you have any friends. All I was asking is why I haven't met this person you seem to be so close to" and he kept his voice down too, but in a really nasty way he said "Don't talk to me." and that was it. I walked out, he fell asleep on the chair, and then got up and went to bed alone, without a word.
I know I have a possessive streak. I know I do, but I really don't think his rection was justified. I didn't accuse him of cheating on me or lying. I just wonder why he never includes me when it comes to his "friends". He rarely goes out with his old coworkers and when he does if it's a male friend. I don't say much. But a 21 year old girl? Don't I have any right as his future wife to see late night phone calls and a lunch date as a bit inappropriate, especially when it's someone I've never spoken to or laid eyes on? |
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| Wow, so far so good. |
[May. 31st, 2006|05:59 am] |
Things are going swimmingly. I feel so much more at ease and more relaxed and happy, and he seems to be responding. Maybe he's responding to my inproved mood and not how agreeable and open I've been, but whatever it is... it's working.
For the last few years, I've secretly resented him a bit because I thought he acted like a child. I saw him as someone who couldn't manage any aspect of his life without my constant guidance and that just led me to believe that I needed to take care of everyhing, and then I felt overall exhausted and stressed, and basically my temper and moods were on a hair trigger. But just in a week's time, things are different.
My car was acting up the lst few weeks, and I asked him to take a look at it for me. He said he'd do it the next day and that set me off. I went into this tirade, "Fine! DON'T look at it, I'll just take it to a mechanic and pay hundrdeds of dollars to have someone fix something that you might be able to fix for next to nothing! AGAIN, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE, I'LL TAKE CRE OF IT MYSELF!" And he reacted with an exasperated sigh. Which of course feueled the fire and I went on about how he never does anything for me and that he doesn't care about me or what happens to me, and that if the tables were turned and I had the ability to fix HIS car if something was wrong with it, that I'd do it in a heartbeat because I always look out for his interests. I felt justified in my reaction that night and the next morning, and was harboring some serious resentment. In the midst of all of this, I got the book in the mail and sat down one day and read it cover to cover. I decided the first thing would be to not mention the car. He knew something was up and I was going to let him approch me about fixing it.
When he came home that night, he said he'd have me take his car the next day and look at it. Rather than say something like, "It's about time" or something equally demeaning, I said thank you and kissed him on the cheek. Turns out it was minor, but something that would be time consuming that he'd have to do on his day off, a few days later. I didn't ask how I was going to get to work or why he couldn't fix it sooner. I said "Whatever you think" and listened to him outline our commuting plans. He made sure I wasn't inconvenienced in any way and didn't miss a beat. Today, I told him how much I appreciated it all and thanked him with a big kiss. I didn't ask about the cost or ask if it could have been done cheaper or if he was sure it was fixed right. I just trusted him and that felt good.
There's something else I have a tendency to do. It's a bit passive aggressive. It's silly. But last week, on our day off he was flipping through the channels and stopped for a second on a TV show I'm not crazy about. Instantly, I was annoyed. Oh sure, it's my day off too, and now he's going to expect me to sit here and watch this stupid show even though he knows I hate it. I work hard and this IS our o nly day off together, why can't we watch something we BOTH like?? I groaned and said "I HATE THIS SHOW!" He asked why, and I got up and said, "Fine, watch the show. I have to do laundry anyway." Did I mean that? No. What I was doing was baiting him. IF he didn't instatly offer to change the channel immediately, I was going to be pissed. And he didn't (probably because I didn't give him a chance, jumping up and announcing I was leaving the room). So I started loudly slamming the detergent and the dryer door in the other room feeling angry and sad that he didn't care enough to want to spend some time with me. A fee minutes later, I went back in the living room and asked how long the show was, with a pissy look on my face and he said an hour. I just walked away, feeling like a spoiled child.
It's not that I really hate the show THAT much. It's watchable. But I was pushing him to prove to me that he wanted ME to be happy too. But really, who wants to please someone who's never pleased? While doing the laundry, I realied how silly I was being (but still stubborn), I waited until the hour was up and went back into the living room without pouting. Even though I was annyoyed thinking HE'D ruined our night, the fact is- I ruined it for myself.
Tonight he was flipping through the channels and the show was on and I said, "Hey, let's watch that." He said, "No you hate that show, let's watch something else". But I said something I'd have liked someone to say to me. "You worked very hard all day, you should get to watch something you like too." He smiled and said ok. I didn't do this i na manipulative or conniving way, I really meant it. And it felt good to so something nice or say somrthing nice to him.
And before he went to bed, he went over to the kitchen and wrote out and addressed our rent check. And I didn't have to tell him to or remind him or leave him reminder notes or tell him that it was due and that we need to send it out because I hate paying the rent late.
Nice. What started out as a little experiment on my part is turning o ut to be an eyeopening life change. Subtle, yes. But wonderful. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2006|05:45 am] |
Any thoughts on this book, if anyone has read it?
http://www.surrenderedwife.com
I'm not much into self help books or seminars, but I'm finding this to be a useful tool in my impending marriage. As a self-proclamied feminist, this is NOT easy, but thought I'd give the advice a try and so far, it seems quite useful. |
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| Day 3 |
[May. 30th, 2006|03:28 am] |
Went to a picnic today at my future sister and law's house.
Let me paint a picture of how it would have gone pre- surrendering.
I would have woken up and complained that he was rushing me. At one point, he would have walked out of the bedroom and probably would have made a comment about his clothes. He would have argued that he wanted to be comfotable and that we were only going to be with family, and I would have persisted that his tshirt was wrinkled or his socks were wrong or his hat didn't match or something. He would have sighed and rolled his eyes and insisted he was wearing what he put on anyway, and then to get the last word in, I would have said something about his looking like a slob.
Now let me sy.... my fiance is a funny guy. He's got a terriffic sense of humor and sometimes he's clumsy. This is a real joke in the family. And seeing as he he can be very self-depricating and his brother and sister love to joke around, he easily becomes the butt of some innocent ribbing. I, however, have a tendency to take it too far sometimes. While I've never been overtly disrespectful or insulting, I can make him the center of too many of my jokes. When talking about typical married life with his newlywed sister and borther and their spouses, I have been known to take jabs at his way of doing things. His sister and his brother's wife do the same when it comes to their husbands, so it's never been like he's the center of all the jokes. But why do I need to let everyone know he's got NO decorating sense or that his method of doing laundry is ridiculous or that he's a packrat? Do I ever make jokes at my own expense? Or does he ever join in and complain that I have a tendency to leave the curling iron on and that he's burned himself on it? Or that I have a bad habit of leaving my underwear on the bathroom floor? No. These things would embarrass me. So I can imagine that sometimes as he sits there and I make jokes about his cleanliness or daily habits that he might feel worthless and stupid.
So today, I decided not to partake in any of these conversations. I let the ladies complain about their husbands' daily rituals and idiosynchocies, and I laughed along but didn't offer any commentary of my own. When he was playing volleyball with his brother I didn't stand on the sidelines and make fun of the shots he's missed or tripping while trying to make a shot. I laughed with them but didn't try to belittle him, even jokingly.
You know what I noticed??
He spent a good portion of the picnic NEAR me. Ususally, I sit with the women in his family and gossip and he's off with the men. Today was different. No he didn't sit next to me the whole time, in awe of my good behavior or restraint, stroking my hair and feeding me strawberries, but the laughter was a little freer and he was overall more attentive to me. It was a subtle change, but I noticed it.
When we got home, he mentioned he was going to take a break during lunch to go to the bank and deposit money tomorrow. Now as most women trying the "surrendered wife" thing, letting go of the finances is the hardest part. Seeing as I have some free time inthe morning tomorrow, I offered (hesitantly) to go to the bank tomorrow and deposit the money for him. And although it would be logical and easy for him, he looked at me and said "No thanks, I can do it."
A part of me wanted to argue and say "WEll, why? It's on my way to work and we really need to deposit money so we can pay the electric bill... and what if you DON'T get a break? What if you can't make it there? While we're waiting for our new ATM card, going to the bank is the only way we can deposit money!" But instead, I took a deep breath and said, "Whatever you think."
Case closed.
I was thinking today, in the shower. If he treated ME the way I've treated him, I'd be a depressed, withdrawn maniac who secons guessed every more I made.
What if the tables were turned and every time I emerged from the bedroom to go somewhere he critiqued my outfits, telling me what I was wearing was inappropriate or unflattering? What if he made it a point to let our friends and coworkers know that I can be a slob and sometimes leave dishes in the sink for three days? What if he told my family that he'd put ME on a budget so I couldn't overspend? What if he criticied me for buying too much makeup... I mean how stupid is it to own five blushes in practically the same color? What if he laughed at me for being clumsy and having a tendency to trip when I'm wearing open back shoes? What if he told me I didn't have sex with him enough or that I'm overly aggressive during sex? What if he berated me for having dinner and drinks with my girl friends? What if every move I made was analyzed to death and made into an example of what a disappointing, selfish fiance I am? What if he told me I wore too much perfume or ugly shoes or was an irresponsible pet owner or complained about how I conducted myself professionally or handled my health or what I ate and when I ate or how I showered or spent my hard earned money...?
My female friends would tell me I was dating an abusive self centered jerk, and I'd probably leave him.
I keep trying to keep this "flip side of the coin" mentality. I hate that I've been such a shrew, and I hate even more that it's seen as somewhat acceptable- and even encouraged- to treat a man like a dumb animal, feuling this behavior. I do not always know what's best. We met when he was 26 years old. Somehow he managed to live 26 years- 6 of those on his own- without needing a running commentary on his behavior. He drove carefully without someone telling him to do so. He ate meals and didn't starve to death, he held down a job, had a pet, paid his bills, didn't burn down his house or drink himself to death or leave the house naked because there was no one there to remind him to get dressed.
If I keep this in mind, maybe this will be the best move ever made. This is not about him- it's not about manipulatng him into being perfect. It's about my letting go and trusting that I've chosen to marry a fully functioning adult who's capable of living his life, and maybe even taking care of me a little.
Again, I wonder.... can it really be this easy??!! |
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| Day 2 as a Surrendered Fiance |
[May. 29th, 2006|06:56 am] |
We drove to work together today. When we do this, I usually stress about his route to work. Take A Street over to B Avenue. Don't go through downtown- the traffic is nuts. Today he said, "Can I take my route, it's a weekend and there will be so little traffic and I think that..." and I stopped him. I turned with a smile and used the advice given in the book. "Whatever you think!"
HE continued to justify. "Well, we can stop by Sunkin Donuts and there will be less of a line and we can pick up I95 at the..." Again, I stopped him and cheerily daid, "Whatever you think!"
And you know what? His route IS faster.
At one point I thought he was tailgating, and wanted to tell him to slow down and JESUS, do you know what a speeding ticket costs? but instead I bit my tongue. And we never even got CLOSE to a traffic accident.
When he got to my workplace he did something he hasn't done in YEARS. He got out and while I was fumbling for my bag, he opened my door. It's a little thing, but then again, a big thing.
Tonight on the way home, I broached the subject of the bills. I really am tired of the accounting. I said, "Listen, I'm worrying about bills wau too much. I think you might be better at it than me....'I CAN'T' do it anymore, ok? And he said... "Well ok". I got my paycheck today and I said... here you go... I just need $200 of it for the week, ok? And with no confusion or concern, he said ok. It;s too soon to tell if he thinks I'm serious.
Tomorrow, we have to go to a picnic at his sister's. When I asked what time we'd be going he sais "11:30" a fill two hours earlier than I thought. I resisted the urge to argue that it was too early. He asked if that was too early, and I said, "Whatever you think". Turns out he wants to help her set up.
So far so good. He unexpectedly kissed me twice tonight, and we fell into bed having amazing sex.
It can't be this easy, can it? |
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| Day 2 as the Surrendered Fiance |
[May. 29th, 2006|06:15 am] |
I'm engaged to a wonderful man. A man that I once found to be engaging, interesting, funny, exciting, and sexy.
Through the years though I have found that I have turned into a mother figure of sorts. I've taken control of our finances out of fear that he would "screw them up". (Despite the fact that I have done nothing to repair them). I have belittled his ideas. If he has a thought, I find a way to squash it. I've controlled what he eats, wears, who he talks to, where he goes, how he interacts with strangers, my family, even his family, his friends. I order for us in restaurants. I remind him to drive safely. If he's in a not so great mood, I assume I can fix it. If he's hurt, I assume I can fix it. If he stumbles, I assume I can fix it.
Mostly, I have rationalized that it's all out of love. I mean, if he messes up, if I love him, I HAVE to fix the error, no? Anything less would be downright neglectful. If he says something silly and I don't correct him, I risk letting him embarrass himself. If he complains about work, and I don't berate him for letting his superiors walk all over him, I m telling him I don't care. If he wears a shirt that doesn't perfectly match his pants, what will people think of him.... or worse.... ME?
It's a slippery slope my friends. One day you're trying to improve his wardrobe, the next, you've created an ooky mother-son dynamic where you find yourself stressed, depressed, angry and in overall despair.
The breaking point came one day when we went out to dinner and I asked him to order a bottle of wine. He was a mess. Cabernet? Pinot Noir? $20 a bottle? or $40 a bottle? I berated him with a typical, "BE A MAN, order a bottle of wine!" comment. The waiter approached and he looked at me with this desperate, fearful look. What if he ordered the WRONG wine? The waiter asked what we would be drinking and my fiance, a man I once loved BECAUSE of his decisiveness, stammered..... "ask her!".
I realized there was a problem.
I wasn't sure what to do. But quicky, in the daily grind, I forgot. I got tied up in worrying about bills, stressing about the taxes, when the car was due for an oil change, whether the cats needed to go to the vet, where we could get the best rates on car insurace, whether or not we could afford a DJ for the wedding, whether he ate a good breakfast, if he was taking care of that ear infection that he was having issues with, why our sex life was suffering, if he locked the door when he left the house, blah blah. I was EXHAUSTED. I was angry with him for not taking more initiative. I hated him for being such a child and for forcing me to do EVERYHING.
I realized I spent more time worrying and fretting than actually LIVING, so I did what any other red blodded American woman would do... I turned to the internet for advice.
Naturally, my initial search terms were "Lazy husband" and "how to get your husband to do more". Somehow in my search results, I came up with a page for "The Surrendered Wife"
http://www.surrenderedwife.com
At first, I was disgusted. I mean, this is all MY FAULT? Come on!
But after two glasses of merlot and a bunch of useless information, I sucked it up and ordered the book.
Now I'm not saying it's the be all, end all. But being as tired and frusrated as I am, I decided to give it a go.
The "Surrendered Wives" movement is centered around five basic principles:
a wife relinquishes control of her husband's life
she respects his decisions for his life
she practises good self-care (that she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment)
she also practices receiving compliments graciously
she practices expressing gratitude (thanking her husband for the things he does).
Continuing in an abusive, alcoholic, or adulterous relationship is not promoted or condoned.
What could I lose?
But everthing? And hey, if I did.... I could take complete control all over again??
This is my journey. |
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